I expected this Fran challenge to help me get my game up. I expected this challenge to help me drop some weight. I expected the challenge to help me become better ingrained in this gym and make deeper relationships with my fellow challengers. I never expected it to possibly lead to choosing a different path in life. But it very well may have.
Most of you know I used to do random personal training on the side which I had to give up when I went back to healthcare and working in the ER. I enjoyed it immensely. I loved breaking a client down and then stretching them out after and massaging out the muscles that got beat up. It was a great balance. I think a few eventually came mostly for the stretching and massage. Damn hedonists. ;-) But I was scattered, hopping from place to place. Sometimes training out of a clients home gym, sometimes using my friend's garage space. I was not a good business woman and terrible at holding my clients to a schedule, worried that they might quit on me if I really lay down the law. I tried to get my fix teaching my cycle classes...which have been cut back to every other week due to work. Working at the ER I have health insurance, a pretty much sure job when I get out of nursing school and a steady pay check with vacation time. I also have an extra 20lbs, sore feet, and a stress level that is steadily climbing due to an intense work environment, under staffing and all the fun things that come from working for a corporation that calls all the shots. This last week there were days where I was the only tech on (vs. 2 or3) and I arrived to work with an EMT student waiting for me and another one coming on at 2pm. It sucked. I had stress dreams about it. I don't control who my fellow tech is going to be and if they are even going to show up or if I will have students to teach while doing double the work. But I do control my choice to be there, and right now a 2 week notice is looking pretty good.
I miss working with people who are looking to improve their lives, who will push until they drop, who make goals and meet them. I crave it.
Last night Justin, once again, as I was glued to the latest video/article in the CrossFit journal, asked me why I was doing nursing if health and training were my passion. Well, because it's scary. What if I can't make any $ doing it? What if I fail? What if what if what if. But I love it. My spare time is spend reading up on the latest training and nutrition. Crossfit has become like crack to me. I go not just to my classes, but to open gym after work as well. I watch the people around me there and I see improvements all over the place and I get excited for them. I'll pause in a workout to yell encouragement or give a high five because I believe in these people. I know they can finish, that they can excel and it fuels me. Yes, there is a huge part of my personality that is a nurturer, and I can express that in the ER. But right along side with that is the cheerleader in me. I get more excited when someone else breaks a PR than I do when I break my own. Justin may have a point.
I have waited almost 4 years to get into a nursing program. I just missed the cut off in to the fall semester and I will begin in the Spring. Or will I? I do believe that God has a plan and there may be a reason that I'm not in the program right now. One of my fellow Frannies, Kim, just opened her own gym in San Clemente. She's been training out of her garage and at parks and now has a place to call her own. That lit something inside of me. When I see pictures of her new space, I am thinking, that is EXACTLY what I want. When I go to work and watch the RN's, even in a fast paced full arrest situation, I don't think I have ever gone, "Yea, that's what I want". It doesn't drive me. I'm good at what I do, but I have a strong work ethic, I'd be good at most things. (except that under water basket weaving stuff) I admire Kim so much. I don't know her background at all, but I do know she has 2 kids who depend on her and that she has been brave enough to build a business out of something she is passionate about and has faith that it will work. That terrifies me.
But here's the thing. Being married to Justin for the last 3 years has changed me. He pulls no punches, is completely honest and very much a "let your yes be yes and your no be no" kind of man. What does that mean? It means that I stand up for myself more. It means I ask more from others instead of trying to make myself as small as possible so I can fit into their plans/lives. It means that I am much more comfortable holding those around me accountable to a higher standard without worrying if they will still like me or not. It means, that maybe I can do this if I really want to. And it means that I have a lot to think about.
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