Turning the corner?

I do believe I am taking in full breaths of air! I attempted a slow trot this morning and seemed to handle it ok. Then again, I was going at a snails pace. The route that normally takes me an easy 40 min, 20 min to this bridge and back....took me about an hour...in the heat. So I think things are looking up. I got my shift at work covered for today since I had no idea how I would feel and I'm glad I did. A several hour nap with the AC on seems to be in order and then we'll see about crashing the 6pm class tonight. If not, I'm definitely going to try to make class in the morning. I can't be sick a full week. I've turned into a marsh-mellow. And in all honesty, that really is what is bothering me.

You see, it's hot. Let me re-phrase that, it's stupidly hot. Hot in the no-way-you-can-wear-workout-pants-and-a-t-shirt hot. Hot like cellulite baring shorts and tummy and back flab baring sports bra hot. Hot as in, oh-crap-eating-like a-linebacker-who's -PMS'ing-while-sick-and-not-working-out is going to end badly hot. Hot as in basically summer has arrived with a vengeance and I'm not ready for it. Crap.

Oh well, at least I know I won't die from jogging and now it's back to veggies and meat and off of the poor-me-I'm-sick foods that have done me no favours to speak of. Today's goals are simple. Chug water, not beer, and get in some good clean meals and a giant nap. That, I can do :-)

Sick Sick Sick

What day of the challenge am I on? Coming around the home bend...and I'm SICK! What!?!?! Last Firday I was on top of the world. Nailing the WOD's, even went to the gym again for a double and got a good swim in. Nutrition was on the mark and had cooked all my food for the next 3 days I was going to spend @ work for my holiday weekend. Then Saturday a sore throat popped up, Sunday it hit, and this beautiful Wed morning I find myself coughing up some nice pretty mouthfulls of green. Tasty. Needless to say, when I feel like crap the last thing I care about is the quality of my nutrition. In fact, when feeling less than swell, something tasty is quite nice. Oh, yea, it was bad.

But I do think I'm on the mend. The worst I think was over the weekend @ work. (yes, I worked, try calling out sick on a holiday weekend, it's not a good idea) My lungs seem to be cleaning themselves out just fine and I hope and pray that I can do Crossfit on Friday. I miss it. My body doesn't remember what sore feels like and my calluses are sloughing off leaving my hands looking...well, normal. But it worries me for the next time I'm on the bars for pull-ups.

I know I'm way behind now on my weight goals and really, I'm still spacy enough from the cold medicine that I'm not panicking yet. I'm sure when I'm 100% I'll have a good freak out moment, but for now I'm excited that I can at least hear out of one ear and I'm out of bed by noon. Oh the little things.

As a follow up to the last blog, I'm still going to do nursing school, but I also am going to start training again. Just a little, just a few. But I think it's time to get back into that game. Short blog today, when I'm all better I'll be back to ramble some more.

Day 24. Nursing vs. Following a Dream

My intention for this blog today was to re-hash this weekends workouts, food choices and I may get to that, but my husband and I had a pretty intense discussion last night and it's taking over the blog today.

I expected this Fran challenge to help me get my game up. I expected this challenge to help me drop some weight. I expected the challenge to help me become better ingrained in this gym and make deeper relationships with my fellow challengers. I never expected it to possibly lead to choosing a different path in life. But it very well may have.

Most of you know I used to do random personal training on the side which I had to give up when I went back to healthcare and working in the ER. I enjoyed it immensely. I loved breaking a client down and then stretching them out after and massaging out the muscles that got beat up. It was a great balance. I think a few eventually came mostly for the stretching and massage. Damn hedonists. ;-) But I was scattered, hopping from place to place. Sometimes training out of a clients home gym, sometimes using my friend's garage space. I was not a good business woman and terrible at holding my clients to a schedule, worried that they might quit on me if I really lay down the law. I tried to get my fix teaching my cycle classes...which have been cut back to every other week due to work. Working at the ER I have health insurance, a pretty much sure job when I get out of nursing school and a steady pay check with vacation time. I also have an extra 20lbs, sore feet, and a stress level that is steadily climbing due to an intense work environment, under staffing and all the fun things that come from working for a corporation that calls all the shots. This last week there were days where I was the only tech on (vs. 2 or3) and I arrived to work with an EMT student waiting for me and another one coming on at 2pm. It sucked. I had stress dreams about it. I don't control who my fellow tech is going to be and if they are even going to show up or if I will have students to teach while doing double the work. But I do control my choice to be there, and right now a 2 week notice is looking pretty good.

I miss working with people who are looking to improve their lives, who will push until they drop, who make goals and meet them. I crave it.

Last night Justin, once again, as I was glued to the latest video/article in the CrossFit journal, asked me why I was doing nursing if health and training were my passion. Well, because it's scary. What if I can't make any $ doing it? What if I fail? What if what if what if. But I love it. My spare time is spend reading up on the latest training and nutrition. Crossfit has become like crack to me. I go not just to my classes, but to open gym after work as well. I watch the people around me there and I see improvements all over the place and I get excited for them. I'll pause in a workout to yell encouragement or give a high five because I believe in these people. I know they can finish, that they can excel and it fuels me. Yes, there is a huge part of my personality that is a nurturer, and I can express that in the ER. But right along side with that is the cheerleader in me. I get more excited when someone else breaks a PR than I do when I break my own. Justin may have a point.

I have waited almost 4 years to get into a nursing program. I just missed the cut off in to the fall semester and I will begin in the Spring. Or will I? I do believe that God has a plan and there may be a reason that I'm not in the program right now. One of my fellow Frannies, Kim, just opened her own gym in San Clemente. She's been training out of her garage and at parks and now has a place to call her own. That lit something inside of me. When I see pictures of her new space, I am thinking, that is EXACTLY what I want. When I go to work and watch the RN's, even in a fast paced full arrest situation, I don't think I have ever gone, "Yea, that's what I want". It doesn't drive me. I'm good at what I do, but I have a strong work ethic, I'd be good at most things. (except that under water basket weaving stuff) I admire Kim so much. I don't know her background at all, but I do know she has 2 kids who depend on her and that she has been brave enough to build a business out of something she is passionate about and has faith that it will work. That terrifies me.

But here's the thing. Being married to Justin for the last 3 years has changed me. He pulls no punches, is completely honest and very much a "let your yes be yes and your no be no" kind of man. What does that mean? It means that I stand up for myself more. It means I ask more from others instead of trying to make myself as small as possible so I can fit into their plans/lives. It means that I am much more comfortable holding those around me accountable to a higher standard without worrying if they will still like me or not. It means, that maybe I can do this if I really want to. And it means that I have a lot to think about.

Day 21 Goals, Running and Community.

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. ~Author Unknown

I don't care how much power, brilliance or energy you have, if you don't harness it and focus it on a specific target, and hold it there you're never going to accomplish as much as your ability warrants. ~Zig Ziglar

Today is a two quote kind of day. 23 Days until the end of the Fran challenge and I feel like I'm picking up speed. Just got off the phone with my coach for this and I'm pumped and raring to charge through the rest of this. AND I have some goals. Now I don't know if I'm shooting myself in the foot on this one, since I have not been on the scale in a while. But I want to weight in at 150 lbs. I started @ 163 (or 4?). Pull-ups are a great incentive for dropping weiht if you ever need any, the less you weight the less you have to drag up to the bar. One of the fire fighters that comes through the ER said something awesome a few months back and it stuck with me. We were having another one of our potlucks...or we just had food out, can't remember. The good stuff. Bagles, cookies, our usual. And she was starving so I offered up a cookie and her response was (yes, she's a crossfitter)" No, don't want that, I have to pull this shit up". I will always remember that. Simple. True. So I also want to get 15 kipping pull-ups unbroken. Right now I'm at about 10. My hands are ripped up again, but we're taking this next week off from pull-ups and thrusters and going into running. Hard running. So my hands should have some time to heal.

Running is a love hate for me. I love slow trail running...I guess trail jogging. It's peaceful, it's my time alone and it's beautiful here, it feeds the soul. Then there is RUNNING. The kind where my lungs burn and I taste metal in my mouth. One of the MD's @ work was talking about how he has a hard time doing recovery runs, that he just wants to go all out all the time. I love recovery runs, they recover me from not just physical things, but mental things. They recover me from life. I mean, how can you feel anything but grateful when your going down a path with wildflowers everywhere and beautiful trees, only to climb a hill to have a view of the ocean with it's breeze in your face? I am so blessed and it helps me to go places where I am small, where the world around me is so much bigger than myself and my petty issues. I have some odd conversations with God out there on the trails and I have to say I've really missed it. So today I'm heading out to Aliso Woods for a recovery run. I'm taking my waist water bottle pack and my camera, because you never know what you'll come across.

I have the next 4 days off from work. I also have the next 4 days packed with some pretty intense workouts. I'm looking forward to being able to push my reset button. To have these days and the luxury to focus on nothing other than submerging myself into this challenge...well, and school, and reading and studying, and cleaning our apartment that currently looks like a crack house. But I do have to say, as much a working a 12 hour job on my feet wears me out at times, it's a job I leave when I go home. And it's a job where I can have a 4 day stretch of freedom without taking vacation time. I dig that.

I just have to quickly mention something else. My gym's community rocks. I truly do not think I have ever heard anyone bitching about anything. The humbleness and gratitude and genuine love these people have is amazing. It's funny, I can't tell you how many times I have complaied at my 24hourfitness, where my membership is FREE, about the bikes, the stereo system, the smelly dude on the machine next to me, the locker rooms, the lights.....the list goes on and on. At Cross fit, we pay a bucket load of $ and we don't even have a locker room. Air conditioning? What's that? Yet each and every person there is there for the right reason. Every person comes knowing that the workout is going to be hard, it's probable going to hurt, and the coaches will accept nothing less than your absolute best. Really, we joke about not letting the coaches know you can do double unders or pull-ups w/out a band because if they see it one time, the standard is raised and you are held to it. I'm sure not everyone who starts stays, but those who do, stay for the right reason. I was really late leaving this morning after the WOD, so late the 9am class was coming in. I've barely been there 3 months..if that. And what I got was smiles, hey-how-are-you's, hugs, encouragement...on and on. Some of my fellow Frannies were there and they all are UH-mazing women. I left smiling.I have some damned fine friends at 24hourfitness who have been with me through the years and I value them immensely....and I can not tell you how much I want to kidnap them all (ahem! Lori, Emma, Christine, Kristina, Amanda, Liz,Veronica...)and bring them to Cross Fit to add them to the family. It't only a matter or time....

day 19 Wait, what was my goal again?

"It must be borne in mind that the tragedy of life doesn't lie in not reaching your goal. The tragedy lies in having no goal to reach. It isn't a calamity to die with dreams unfulfilled, but it is a calamity not to dream. It is not a disaster to be unable to capture your ideal, but it is a disaster to have no ideal to capture. It is not a disgrace not to reach the stars, but it is a disgrace to have no stars to reach for. Not failure, but low aim is a sin."
~ Benjamin E. Mayes

Almost half way through the challenge. I should be halfway to my goals....right? Oh wait. What were my goals? Well getting my Fran time under 10 min without a band was one...and then....Hmm. That's the only goal I really set! Fail.

Friday we had open gym. Saturday no class. Sunday I taught cycle and we attempted to go watch the end of Regionals, but were too late. Monday spaced out that I had to work @ 7 so missed class. Tuesday, worked and did open gym after, which translated into doing last weeks pull-up homework and working on double unders. I feel out of the groove. I think I was expecting this to be a crazy intense barely walking deal with wicked home works and extra workouts and coaches breathing down our necks. Not the case. I didn't really bother to set goals because really my goal was to just get through this. But now I see that this is only going to be as intense as I make it.

So it's time to set some personal goals for the next 3 weeks of my own and hold myself accountable for them. I can't depend on anyone else to get me there. So stay tuned...

Day 14 Shoulders and Probiotics

"Fear is an insidious virus. Given a breeding place in our minds it will eat away our spirit and block the forward path of our endeavors." ~ James F. Bell

At this point I can't remember what we've done this week...but my shoulders are telling me that they got worked! Today's WOD (workout of the day) was 3 out of my 4 nemesis: Wall Ball, Kettle Bell (getting to be less of a weakness), and double unders. Add running in there and we would have had all 4. (I know I know, I run marathons....slowly. Speed is not a natural talent of mine, and these people are FAST) This was NOT a workout to come to sans coffee, yet I did. In all honesty, I really went because I thought our new shirts would be there. It wasn't an organized coached class. Our coaches are getting ready to kick ass at Regionals, so it was more of an open gym gig and I didn't think anyone would notice if I wasn't there...but I really wanted the shirt. Welllllll, the shirts arrived, but the printing on the back wasn't done, so no shirt for me. At least it got me there.

I do so much better in a workout when it's competitive and the coach is there watching and yelling. Before, when I would go to 24hour to do my lifting, I would have a plan, plug my headphones in, and execute. When I say execute, I don't mean, crazy go time. More like I would work hard, but I would completely check out, and if I was tired I would stop to catch my breath, do some people watching and then continue. I would be there hours. Crossfit doesn't afford that luxury. I've yet to do a workout in a normal class that exceeded 30 min, maybe even 25 min. The clock is going and you either get it done or you don't. Stopping to breathe costs you precious seconds, you can't check out. Today I did. I let the double unders get to me and eat up the time. I firmly believe that those are as much mental based as skill based, and my head wasn't in it. Yea I was soaked after finishing, yea I was breathing hard...but I in no way performed well or even really tried to. Poor form on my part. I had the mouth of a sailor during the double unders and fantasies of cutting my jump rope in to tiny pieces, putting them all in a box, mailing that box to myself and then burning it when it arrived.

Enough about that. On to Fran. Had my talk with Max on wed and he wasn't appalled at my slip-ups but there was definitely room for improvement. No more nuts. It's really all diet for me as to if I'll improve or not. I'll put in the work for the 20-30 min in the gym, but the other 23 hours of the day, that's the real work for me. So I sit here now, blogging, chugging my black coffee and eating my spinach, mushroom, bell pepper and 2 egg scramble. I've changed my dinners up tilapia and greens and instead of nuts for snack, I get cucumbers and salsa. I think I'll be seeing some epic progress this week. I just have a feeling. With this challenge, I have added a shit ton of greens to my diet. The first week I was bloated and gassy. Not fun. Sunday, I went out and got pro and pre-biotics. I take one in the morning and holy wow the difference. They are magical. Seriously, I knew they were helpful and have used them in the past but I think I am making them part of my morning routine forever.

The homework this week for me was 5 pull-ups every min on the min 8 times. I came yesterday after work to open gym to get them done and they were a breeze. Today after class I went for another round. OH MY HANDS. I didn't finish and will have to have a do-over Saturday or Sunday. I want to get to the point where my strength goes before my hands go. I really want to avoid ripping them, it sucks at work where hand sanitizer is a every few min reality. That stuff on open wounds once is unpleasant to say the least, repeating the process for 12 hours just leads to the longest day ever. Not worth it.

The coffee is starting to kick in and thank goodness. I'm back to work at 2 and it's go time for the next week. Gotta use these next few hours wisely.

-Cheers!

Day 12 Breaking Down and Building Up

"It's not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are."~ Roy Disney

My body is reeeally starting to feel the effects of the intense training. Since Sunday night I've been waking up in the middle of the night soaked in sweat, which always seems to happen the night after a hard workout. I had a friend who is a cyclist who had the same thing happen, he called it "riding fever". I've got Fran fever. or CrossFit fever. I went to open gym last night after work with the intention of doing my homework again from last week of 18-12-6 65lb thrusters....but then I saw the workout posted for today of 800 meter run and 100 Shoulder to overhead with the RX weight of 95lbs. So I worked on my pull-ups instead...and my double unders. The good news is I can string together 10 pull-ups in a row! Bad news is my double unders are still sucking. Double unders and running, my weakest links. But I have a plan to remedy that.

I broke yesterday and had a bagel (once again brought by the evil drug reps). Yes, I was super hungry, but I don't think not having it would have killed me. I'm slipping up more and more on the nutrition, but I'm to have a phone call from my coach later today to go over just that and I have a feeling I will get a pretty solid verbal smack. But, in all fairness, I shouldn't need an outside influence to get me to nail my nutrition, it has to come from me, otherwise where is the growth? It's an exercise in mental strength. I think of it like working a muscle, if you don't work it...it won't get stronger. Same with resisting cheats. If I'm not practising saying no...how do I expect it to become a lifestyle? I should know better. I'm tired. My body is in a constant state of tightness/soreness and I am definitely getting snappy at work. The energy I was depending on using to resist all the temptations isn't really there. So it's time to dig a little deeper, because I have it in me.

Am I over training? Maybe. Am I under resting? Oh yea. 12 hour shifts on your feet do not complement this. And since the crazy expensive car repairs, I've been picking up extra shifts. It's rough, but I'm only doing that for 3 weeks. I think of all the moms out there. Women who are getting by on a few hours of sleep here and there, running households, raising kids, working, trying to get 1 min to pee in privacy...and I think, you know, I've got it pretty easy. I have a husband and a cat and the only thing that's keeping me from getting at least 7 hours of sleep a night is discipline. Some nights I could even get more if I wanted. I have every food I could possible want at my fingertips because this is America, land of excess. I have no excuse not to feed my body the best nutrients. I have no excuse not to get adequate sleep at night. All that's stopping me from excelling...is me. So I broke down a little these past few days. Now it's time to build back up.